"Our self image, strongly held, essentially determines what we become." - Maxwell Maltz
We are the only people who can determine who we truly are. In fact, it is impossible for us to be other than the people we believe ourselves to be. Knowing that, it should be simple to be rich and successful if we just believe it, but, deep down, you know you don't really believe that! Besides, being rich and successful are also externally driven desires that are relative to one's position in life. Riches come in many forms, and success is a concept that is often mistaken for accomplishment.
To explain this differently so the meaning isn't mistaken, if we take a group of people with a common goal, like to quit smoking, we can illustrate why some will quit and some will not. Some people in the group will consider themselves non-smokers who used to smoke. Some people will consider themselves smokers who want to be non-smokers. Some of them will consider themselves smokers who say they are trying to quit.
The difference in how the people within the groups see themselves will determine how likely it is that they will not smoke when given an opportunity. People who see themselves as non-smokers pass on smoking even when there is an opportunity. People who see themselves as smokers might go so far as to seek an opportunity to give up quitting.
It will have little to do with what they say. It will have everything to do with what they truly believe about themselves. We truly do become that which we think we are because that is how we will most likely respond when choices are presented.
"Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather he must recognize that it is he who is asked." - Viktor Frankl
Universally, human life has no meaning. It will be, and then it won't be. However, individual human lives can be quite significant on our planet.
Some people will have destiny thrust upon them. For most of us, though, our lives will only have the meaning that we give them. That meaning, for the most part, will be the result of what we do and not what we say we should do. It is a good thing to talk about helping others or improving ourselves, but, unless we act upon the words, they are merely sound waves that spread out into nothing.
On the other hand, we see people doing amazing things all the time. Some of these people do these things to be heroic or to stand out. People who do that often do it for the compensation or for the applause. After all, it is the same thought process that makes a pitcher believe he is worth $25 million a year that makes him think he can throw pitches past the best hitters in the world. Both are ego driven thoughts of self-value and ability.
Most of us will end up somewhere between loud-mouthed do-nothings and Hall of Fame pitchers. Where we end up, though, will be for the same reason people on the extremes are there: we will end up where we truly see ourselves. That is because we will only do the things that the person we truly see ourselves as would do. If the person we truly see ourselves as wouldn't do something, we don't do it.
While we cannot think or talk our way into being someone who we truly are not, we can imagine what the person we want to become would do. Then, if we do it, we are that person, at least temporarily. If we do it repeatedly and without fail, then we are the person we wanted to become.
What do you want to be the meaning of your life? How would a person who has that meaning respond to situations and people? If you do those things, then you become that person. We are what we do, and we can do what the person we want to be would do.
"A positive self image has little relationship to our material circumstances." - Ezra Taft Benson
It is understandable to think that accomplishment goes hand-in-hand with a positive self image, but we must consider what the accomplishment is and whether someone with a positive self image would do what was done to get there. For example, helping someone with a problem might not reap the same material reward as would taking advantage of someone's desperation. However, one who swoops in like a vulture to take advantage of people while pretending to be helpful is opportunistic and self-enriching. The riches will not make the difference between having a positive or negative self-image.
Most people understand that. Given an option to do something ethical or something unethical, a person with a positive self image will be ethical, of course. The problem is life is not comprised of black and white choices. We often are told that we must choose the lesser of two evils, or to choose the best of two bad options. Often times, helping one person comes at the expense of helping someone else who also needs assistance.
How we respond to situations, events, and people in our lives has everything to do with how we truly see ourselves. In Dickens' A Christmas Carol, Ebenezer Scrooge has wealth. He is mean to his worker because he sees that it is effective in gathering more wealth. His objective is to accumulate more wealth, but the more wealth he has the more driven he becomes to get even more. He has stepped on people along the path of gaining the wealth, and he belittles those who are less driven by accumulating wealth than they are fueled by the love they have for family and friends.
During what to him was a nightmare, he is shown that people who are not as rich as him are happier than he is. He is confronted with scenes of people, who when compared to him have nothing, enjoying the company of others, which is something that Scrooge has sacrificed for his wealth. When he sees in his dream that a little boy with an ailment that will shorten his life, and the family who will soon have to bury him, are all happy for the time they have left together, a transformation begins. However, it is seeing that he, too, will be dead soon, and that no one will care because he didn't care, that he fully changes.
While the story ends with his outlook on other people much improved and his behavior changed to make the day better for everyone, the only thing that really changed was Scrooge's self image. Scrooge was still wealthy in material terms, but he would now be able to find the kind of wealth that money can't buy.
To the Cratchit family who welcomed him into their home, happiness was never externally driven. Happiness wasn't conditioned upon accomplishment or perfection. They could give away happiness and still have it because they were content with what they did have - each other. They were able to give Scrooge happiness, and by doing so, they enriched him and themselves.
Everyone still only had the same material wealth with which they began their days but all were richer at the end of the day, and the only thing that really changed was how Scrooge saw himself.
"If you are not in the process of becoming the person you want to be, you are automatically engaged in becoming the person you don't want to be." - Dale Carnegie
Our behaviors reflect how we see ourselves. We cannot act inconsistent with our self image. When we feel bad because we did something that "was not like us," we are really confronting the realization that we do not like the person we have become. Why did we do what we did that we now regret having done? We did it because when confronted with the situation, the person who we are handles it that way.
A person who is sincere about not wanting to be like that will do some soul searching to find out what was the underlying reason. Perhaps, it was for popularity, or, maybe, it was for greed or lust. Whatever the reason, a person who is sincere about not wanting to be a person who does what they did will, in the future, purposely avoid being in the same set of circumstances. If they do find themselves in similar circumstances, the person who truly wants to change who they are will conscientiously respond like the person they want to be would respond.
It is through self examination, honest evaluation, and conscientious decision making that we can change our self image, and, consequently, change who we are for the better. We must constantly remind ourselves that we are in control of our decisions. We must acknowledge that what we do is the truest reflection of who we really are. We must give ourselves positive self-talk in large doses. We must recognize when we fall short of the expectations we have for ourselves and also acknowledge our accomplishments when we meet our expectations.
Ultimately, the best way to change our self images is to consciously do what the person we want to become would do until responding to something that way becomes a habit. If we don't do that, we risk always beating ourselves up for not liking the person we are and regretting our choices.
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Other posts you might enjoy:
Linear Thinking Versus Conceptual Thought
Selective Recollection: Why We Don’t Remember History Accurately
Be the Neighbor You Wish You Had
What is the Difference Between Our Spirits and Our Souls?
Understanding Frames of Reference
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