When I let friends know that my social anxiety causes me to not show up to parties or events even when I intend to go to them, some of them encourage me to "face my fears" and go to parties. I am not afraid of parties; I get anxious at the prospect of gathering with groups for the purpose of mingling. It causes me to find excuses to not show up at events I have said I would attend.
I suspect that about half or more of the introverts who read those paragraphs have similar feelings. I also suspect that almost none of the extroverts reading this understood the difference between being an introvert and having social anxiety, and many will read this and discount the nuance as insignificant.
Since extroverts reach out more, many well-meaning extroverts who do not understand the difference between introversion and social anxiety think becoming extroverted is the answer. Meanwhile, I am pondering the association of social anxiety and trying to defy one's nature by pretending to be extroverted. In other words, is my social anxiety at least in part due to previous attempts to defy my nature as an introvert and to behave as an extrovert in social situations? Perhaps it is, but, as I said, it would be part of the cause and not the entirety of the cause. As with most problems, there are complexities at the sources that make each person's situation unique.
For example, I worked in bars as a karaoke host for a decade, or so. The last time I went out to a bar for an evening out was to sing karaoke. I have fun when I go out, but I have fun singing. I do not have fun because of the drunken people who want to talk just to talk. As a patron, I can leave, or better yet not show up to have to leave. As a host, I had to talk to drunken people about such things as how they were going to rock the house with their renditions of Grandpa or The Dance. I was forced to try to be polite to people who sang six songs ago wondering when the hell is it their turn again in a room with thirty singers.
My motivation for hosting karaoke was to earn money at a part-time job. It was a great gig because I really do love singing and watching regular people live out their dreams to be singers in rock-and-roll bands. However, dealing with drunken people - especially drunken extroverts - was one of the main reasons I gave up hosting. I don't want to talk to someone about how they could sing for Journey in exchange for them telling me that I sound better than Van Morrison. The reality was that they were buying drinks waiting for their turn to sing, and I was there trying to keep the lights on and the phone ringing at home.
Still, some of the closest friends I have in life are people I met through karaoke. As with any and all of my friends, I love to get together with them to share a meal or to talk over a cup of coffee. I rarely drink alcohol. When I do, it is often a drink or a shot with a friend. I have been drunken once in the past twenty years. It was a miscalculation that one time. I do not enjoy or seek the feeling of drunkenness. I do not judge those who do choose to drink as evil, sick, or depraved. In fact, I respect people who recognize their propensity toward drunkenness and are responsible about it.
Part of my introspection include my libertarian thoughts (not to be confused with Libertarian thoughts). One of those thoughts is that people should be free to do as they want provided that they do not hurt other people or the environment. Another is that everybody deserves the presumptions of respectability and innocence until they lose respect for what they do and say. Whether or not a person is an extrovert has nothing to do with whether or not we can be friends.
What is far more important to me in a friend is that we are able to talk. When I say "talk," I am not referring to the simple definition of "saying words that form sentences." I mean talking to get to know one another better or to gain perspectives we may not have considered. The ability or desire to discuss things intellectually is not something exclusive to either introverts or extroverts. Nothing is inherently introverted or extroverted except where we tend to find our inspirations.
It is not me being an introvert that is the problem I am experiencing dealing with my extroverted friends. The problem is caused by my social anxiety. I love my friends. I want to talk to my friends. I want to see my friends. I can usually meet up with a friend on fairly short notice.
The situations that trigger my anxiety seem to be situations in which the purpose is to mingle or to celebrate. Some of it has to be caused by the recollections of the angst I felt when the smallest of matters could ruin an entire day for everyone at family gatherings. Some of it has to be attributed to dealing positively with drunken people who didn't quite hit Joe Cocker last time and who want my opinion on them doing a Robert Plant song next as part of my job description. Some of it has to do with the expectation that everyone will get along and any problems that we have cannot be discussed. However, I really can't explain it beyond that.
Some events I prefer to not attend for philosophical reasons. Those can be attributed to me being an introvert. I find more peace in myself if I don't participate in matters of tradition, especially traditions I do not otherwise practice. Okay, I get it that most people like Easter and the Fourth of July. Heck, I want to enjoy those days, too. If you want to go to church one day, and blow things up on the other, more power to you. Neither is my cup of tea, and not because I don't understand what I am missing.
The times that social anxiety is the reason I don't show up are the times that I intend to go, but the angst builds in me as the time draws near. I can remember three times my social anxiety caused me to not do something I intended to do. One was going to a party at my longtime friend's house. I was at 94th Ave when I took a left instead of a right. A second was a party for a friend who moved to Ohio and was in town for a visit. I drove past the parking lot twice before driving on. A third was the birthday party for my friend's wife who is also my friend. I stood on the porch for a few minutes before heading back into the house. In all three cases, the anxiety had reached the point that my intentions to attend were overridden.
Of course, my friends get concerned when I don't show up where I've said I'd be. I am happy that people care enough to be concerned. The problem for me is that, for the most part, they think that the cure is to go out and party, which is not the effect of social anxiety. The desire to seek my comfort internally rather than through going out and partying is the result of being introverted. The problem with my social anxiety is not showing up at events when I intend to show up.
This is difficult to explain to my extroverted friends who simply cannot, or will not, relate to the fact that introversion is not a problem. It is the same as if I suggested my extroverted friends could fix that flaw if they would stay home, read and study, and search deeply into their souls. They don't want to be like me any more than I want to be like them. I still love and respect them. I am happy when my friends accomplish things, but I am not envious of their accomplishments.
I seek contentment, but not rewards, recognition, or popularity. Many of my friends do not understand that contentment is not an achievement or a destination. My discontent with my social anxiety does not mean that I am not content with who I am. I am a smart person with two wonderful children and two grandchildren who love spending time with me. I think deeply about matters, and I concern myself more with the general welfare of mankind than I do with my own creature comforts. I like those things about me.
I get along with most of my relatives. Those who have told me in our last conversations to have a good life are the ones who are frustrated that I don't want to be like them. I don't want to base our relationship on politics, I will not be accused of something and then sweep it under the carpet without explanation, and I do not want to be like people who want their accomplishments lauded and their faults ignored. I have never claimed to be perfect, and I have written documentation of that from the 1970s. If we cannot be ourselves and enjoy each other's company, then let's not enjoy each other's company.
In each of the three examples of social anxiety I mentioned, none of the people are toxic to me. Each has earned my respect and love. I wanted to go to these events. I prepared to go to these events. In two of the three cases, I had almost arrived at these events.
I understand why my friends think that getting back into any social situation would "cure" me of my anxiety. It is a phenomenon called projection in which they solve my problem as if I am them. Rather than them trying to understand the frame of mind that makes what I do logical, they totally disregard me and solve the problem for themselves. Then, if I don't accept the solution, they start dealing with decisions that I make as an introvert as examples of problems they think will cure me.
I don't like loud, banging parties where the purpose for many people is to get drunk and boisterous. Trying to get me to deal with my social anxiety by attending events I don't attend for other reasons adds to my anxiety. Again, I am speaking clearly, but I am not being heard. It seems as if there is a tendency in people to listen to what someone says, and then to try to figure out from what angle they are trying to deceive us. I would suggest that, too, is the result of projection.
It comes out in various forms, but it is obvious if you know what to listen for. It might be asking whether or not I found a real job, letting me know that they know a girl who is available if I don't have a girlfriend yet, or asking me if I've made any real plans since the last time that I told them my real plans.
They simply cannot imagine being content without constantly working for more. I think working for contentment is an oxymoron. They cannot imagine being content without having someone to sleep with every night. I think making contentment contingent on someone else being involved is contrary to the concept of contentment. My plans remain the same. I intend to seek contentment through the choices I make.
I also would like to deal with my social anxiety to alleviate the problems it causes without dealing with my conscious choices to not celebrate most events because I am introverted. The problem is not the "social" part. That is the trigger. It is the "anxiety" that is the problem. Triggering my anxiety on a massive scale is not the solution I am seeking, and I am not wanting to change my plans for them to demonstrate that the problem with me was always just me trying to be me.
I am fine with who I am. I am not perfect, but I am trying to better understand myself and my motivations. My extroverted friends also are not perfect, and they each have priorities for themselves that do not apply to me. I love talking to them and visiting with them. I always let them know that I am much more reliable to show up when it is just to chat or visit than I am to show up to parties. I am honest with them about my social anxiety. I let them know that I always wish them the best and that I am rooting for them. I am sincere about those things.
I am equally sincere that some of the things I don't do are because I don't relate to them philosophically. I place almost no value on tradition and ceremony. I place high value on truth and honesty. I have no interest in contradicting my beliefs with my actions.
On a few occasions, though, I do regret my actions because they are in conflict with my intentions and have resulted in anxiety. I hope my extroverted friends understand that I need to deal with my problem from my perspective rather than for me to see how it doesn't make sense to them from their perspectives.
I hope they also see that it does not make my problem with social anxiety go away for them to listen to me but to not hear what I am saying, followed with suggestions on what I can do to not see the problem the same way they don't see it. The more they try to tell me how they do not regard my problem as a problem, the less inclined I feel to seek their advice or tell them my problems. I let them own the fact they are extroverts. I love them for who they are and not for how popular they are with other people.
I still don't want to go to parties to mingle with groups of people as an alternative to catching a cup of coffee or stopping in at one home or the other for a short visit. I am trying to work on my anxiety, but I am not trying to become an extrovert. Anxiety is a problem. Introversion is not.
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